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Prisoners to be released through new HMP Gift Shops
In a new effort to rebalance the public finances, Home Secretary Theresa May has announced that prisoners reaching the end of their sentence in UK jails will no longer be released straight onto the...
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Amnesty calls for ‘fighting chance’ executions
Human rights campaigner Amnesty International has stunned the international community by brokering a non-intervention treaty with nations that still enforce the death penalty, on the understanding that...
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Burglars call for cuts in tuition fees as student numbers fall
Disgruntled housebreakers are the latest group to join calls for the government to lower university tuition fees, after it emerged that student numbers are down and many of Britain’s leading...
View Article‘The Knitting’ (3) comes to BBC Four
The third series of the Danish crime drama ‘The Knitting’ will be broadcast tonight on BBC Four. Detective Sarah Lund, wearing a cream-grey-brown V-pattern jumper that’s almost low-cut, is seen...
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Round-robin reports another great year for La Cosa Nostra
The annual round-robin letter from the Grimbinos reports that New York’s most infamous Italian family has gone from strength to strength in 2010 and is eagerly anticipating 2011. ‘John ‘the Non-Stick...
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TV first as ‘last time’ and ‘next time’ fill entire episode
Television history was made last night when the middle episode of a three-part drama contained no new footage at all, but consisted entirely of a summary of the story from the first episode and some...
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Welsh man stabs cheating girlfriend then sings about it
The prosecution has opened its case at Cardiff Crown Court in the trial of Thomas Jones for the murder by repeated stabbing of his former girlfriend Delilah Lloyd-Thomas, 44. Jones, 73, has admitted...
View ArticleVigilante dressed as Batman ‘failed to complete paperwork’, police allege
A man dressed as the caped crusader Batman who handed over a wanted man at a Bradford police station disappeared into the night ‘without completing the required paperwork’, say West Yorkshire police....
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Met police appeal for help with new acronym in fight against gun crime
The Metropolitan Police have issued a public appeal for help with creating a ‘really cool sounding acronym’ in an attempt to reduce gun crime in London. Deputy Commissioner Tim Godwin is convinced this...
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Coming out of retirement for ‘one last job’ can be dangerous, says new research
Retired bank robbers who come out of retirement for one last job run an incredibly high risk of complications, says Crime Scene, the trade magazine for professional law breakers, blaggers and briefs,...
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Glaswegian attack victim slams ‘rubbish’ muggers
A man left mildly injured by an inexperienced gang of muggers in the east end of Glasgow has spoken out against the ‘poor quality’ of the assault. Rob Murray, a 31-year-old painter and decorator from...
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Prison ‘becoming gentrified’ complain long-term residents of Wandsworth
Wandsworth Prison is traditionally an ethnically diverse working class part of London, and for years was strenuously avoided by the well-to-do. Now, however, an influx of MPs, game show hosts, TV...
View ArticleNew Batman Barry Scott swaps grime-fighting for crime-fighting
Cillit Bang brand ambassador Barry Scot has said he is ‘thrilled’ after landing the role of Batman for the next instalment of the hugely successful Warner Brothers franchise. Scott was chosen for the...
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‘Murder Bacon’ to combine the best of Danish
‘It’s a marriage made in heaven, with Danish written all the way through it,” said Lars Smytt, brand manager for Denmark’s latest marketing success, which from tomorrow will feature on mortuary slabs...
View ArticlePhone hacking trial indirectly caused wine shortage
As eight more News Corporation employees go on trial for conspiracy to intercept communications, demand for a ‘stiff vino’ has started to outstrip supply. Unfortunately nothing soothes a guilty...
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New schools inspector ‘has a little word’ with head teachers
The Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove, has announced the appointment of a new Chief Inspector for Schools. Ronnie ‘The Animal’ Henderson has been brought in, he said, ‘to add rigour and...
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Scotland’s future uncertain after border with England stolen
The outcome of the campaign for Scottish independence has been thrown into doubt following reports that the border between Scotland and England has been stolen. The theft, which has left locals,...
View ArticlePensioner not badly shaken after being shaken badly
An elderly local man was left traumatized yesterday after being inexpertly assaulted by a youth who proceeded to give his full name and address. Robert Brennan, 82, was taking a walk to visit his...
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‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan found not guilty of shooting unarmed civilians
In a controversial ruling, no-nonsense cop ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan walked free from a federal court yesterday after a jury acquitted him of the ‘targeted hits’ of lowlife, good-for-nothing punks. The...
View ArticleCrime falls by 10% as austerity hits burglars
The Crime Survey of England and Wales has shown that crimes against adults and households fell by 10% in the last year, further proof of austerity hitting every part of society. Rising prices of tools...
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